I have to do my day 12 update, but my fingers are not good today.  I managed to do some sorting of books and things, which is a positive, but my hand did not appreciate that much usage.  I'm still waiting for the physio appointment - will chase that up tomorrow.

Other than that, we had no high drama today!  yay!

Fibro is not very good, no doubt due to stress levels going up.  Mostly today, it's been the IBS - I think anyway.  Very very unpleasant!

After a difficult morning, here is the picture:
Two children lying side by side on the sofa.
The third massaging them one after the other.

A few minutes later, Zack is alone to be lying face down
Tom astride him massaging his shoulders.
Kesia sat on the arm of the sofa, pummelling his feet.

I am tired, but smiling a little, wondering at the strangeness of these three individuals! :)

Phew!  I'm drained.  It's not been a fun day, as quite a few of you now know.  Isn't it strange that my bad day posts get so many more views than the good day ones! 

This weebly format lets me view numbers of people who visit the site, so I have a day by day picture.

I worry though about the heartache I may cause.  I know that those who love me don't like to read hard things.  Mostly because the feeling of helplessness is so furstrating.  And there really is nothing to be done.  At least, Nick and I are doing and have done everything possible.  The rest is down to Zack's personality and problems, and hope that as time progresses Southlands will work its magic. 

I suppose the question really is why I choose to write these things in such a public forum as the internet.  It is, like most things I do, a very conscious choice.  I know that anything I write here is public property in the ways that matter.  Anyone in the world can read it, and think what they like about it.  I know, too, that in the years to come, Zack and the others may come upon it and read it.

But the point is that life is messy.  It's not neat and tidy, and it gets dirty and unpleasant.  I could pretend that everything is alright all the time, but I believe that for me it would be like poisoning myself.  Somewhere, I feel that voicing the secret hurts that come with having a son like Zack may help others and will certainly hurt me.

That Zack hurt me today was and is not my fault.

Easy to say, you might think.  You'd be wrong.  In fact, it is just as difficult to write that down as it was to give a blow by blow account of this morning's incident.

So why public?

Well quite simply because it makes it real.  If I keep a diary, the hurt doesn't leave me, and the guilt, the "fault" keeps its hold on me.  There is a hope inside me that by "giving" all this mess to the public domain, I can shake it loose a little!

On a final note - what a messy place my head is!!  As Kesia said to me just now, right into my ear as she gave me a goodnight hug,
"Good day tomorrow Mummy."

With Zack at activity week (try five days, with a visit today), home life is less eventful.  And yet, I remain exhausted and unable to keep my little house tidy.  What with the various taxi runs I have to do, appointments for those not at playscheme and photo shoots, I hardly have time to place my bottom on our lovely sofas and enjoy a cup of tea!

I am hoping for a wonderful Daddy this weekend to allow me some tidying time - or maybe even just some extra sleep!!

I've organised things well - yay me!  But the driving is going to take its toll I fear.  Today was a trek to Cherry Trees to drop Tom off, followed by CAMHS for Kesi, then home, then back to Cherry Trees this evening to pick up the boy again.  An early morning phone call from Zack confirmed that all is well, but that his emotions and reactions would do well in vaudeville....  Exhausting for us common folk!

Is good...  Tom and I went to the garden centre this morning.  We shared a bowl of chips which was wonderfully civilized. I do love this little boy when he forgets about his brother and sister, and simply is - charming, adorable, clever and funny.

And I've made a pond!!!  Photos to come in the photo section!

One of my tomatoes is blushing!!!  And my potato bag is bulging round bulges... :)