Our family has been separated for the last couple of days, and yet feels more normal than it ever does when we are together.  I miss Nick a great deal.

He and Zack have had a great weekend, and my little boy has been able to be himself, enjoy time with his grandparents and his Daddy and be at peace with himself.  I think Nick has felt relieved to see that Zack is able to be calm and happy.

Over here, it's been a mixed bag.  There was the inevitable calm for the first few hours after Zack's departure, with a huge weight lifted off everyone's shoulders.  Kesia had a friend for a sleepover, which went very well indeed.  Then Sunday arrived, and we swung into backlash mode.  Little girl being terribly sad without knowing why, questioning who she is and being in turn angry, remorseful, rather too happy and back to sad again.  Sadly the day ended with a huge tantrum which she simply would not snap out of.

However cross I may be feeling, I hate going to bed without saying a happy goodnight to the children.  So if we have had a bad end to the day, I make a point of going to their rooms and doing my best to bring about reconciliation.  While it worked like a dream with Tom, Kesi simply wasn't ready.  I've worked really hard to accept that each of them has a responsibility within any relationship as well.  So I tried my best.  Given her stubbornness, I then said goodnight and left the room.

This morning has been a little more blended - some calm playing, a little sulking and a few outbursts.  But on the whole Tom and Kesia do seem to be finding their "normal" again.  Zack returns at lunchtime today.

But I do keep telling myself - three sleeps till he goes back to school.  Until he finds his "home" and routines again.  Until we can try to regain our equilibrium again...

Today was a much better day.  The culmination is a lovely lovely talk with a carer from Cherry Trees on how wonderful Zack has been, and what an improvement they see in him.
Nick phones me from his parents... good trip, good calm kid.  Nick sounds bemused, pleasantly surprised and looking forward to a good weekend.

Unlike Nick, I am not surprised.  Throughout this summer, I have seen time and time again the improvements in Zack's behaviour and relationship to others.  I have seen him show restraint, tolerance at times and some understanding of others' differences (particularly with Tom).

Until he is with me.  It's not a totally negative picture.  I have had a few hugs, and a memorable one hour playing Qwirkle with him. 
But when I have to be mum, and ask him to do something, two things happen - I honestly don't know which started first.  He refuses, more or less aggressively and can then continue to be increasingly defiant and aggressive, sometimes becoming violent.  The other thing that happens is that as I form the thought that something needs to be done, I try to formulate words that might - just might - result in Zack aquiescing.  As I do this, I've noticed that I am ... scared.  Scared of the drama that will ensue, scared of the words, the coldness in his voice.  Scared of having to stick to my guns, and then having to enforce any consequence that Nick, Zack and I have agreed to.  Which, by the way, I always do.  Trouble is, as soon as I do, he charges at me.

There's no need to tell me that kids sense their parents' emotions.  There's no need to tell me that fear is palpable.
There's no need to tell me that my fear almost certainly makes him feel so vulnerable that he lashes out.

Tell me how not to be scared.
Tell me how to "be fun" when the slightest suggestion outside the current obsession leads to scorn, derision and anger.
Tell me... can I carry on?
Tell me how.

Challengers is finished.  The lovely playscheme has wrapped up for this year, more's the pity, and there's a definite feeling of the beginning of the end in the air.  Strange, because despite the difficulties it is accompanied by a melancholy sadness.

Also with the promise of good things to come.  Tom in year 3, Kesi looking forward to going to school "the proper way" (rather than through the office kicking and screaming), Zack inadvertently saying that he is going home next week.  I didn't pik him up on it knowing that he would get all angry again, but I think the truth of the matter is that school is like a second, or different home.

Personally, it's a strange day.  One of those headachy days that make you feel as though your head is in a fog, coupled with irritating period pains.  Thank goodness for the Mooncup, which makes this time of the month so much more pleasant than it was before I discovered it.  Girls - google mooncup and try it.

However.  My pain medication is back so last night was better - disturbed by Tom's increasing pain, but not mine.  So I'm in talks today with GOS and the pain team to see what we can do to help him.

Ooh, this will be cryptic, as the public domain that is the internet demands some degree of discretion.

Anyhoo anyhow...  I discovered today that I have grown up somewhat.  I came face to face with the reality that many people often too easily feel threatened, and that this leads to intimidation.

It seems sad, really and unnecessary, but I am proud to say that I do not feel in the least bit bothered.  I stand by my convictions.  I have complete faith in our abilities to work side by side, but will not be deterred if the path is to be walked alone.

Yay me!

I do wish I could post more happies about our lives with our children.  They are none of them evil, nor even malicious.

But they are certainly confused, defiant, angry and disobedient.

This weekend has seen some nice highlights.  I took Kesi to buy her school shoes, and we spent time looking through a lovely charity shop - really nice girly time.

Yesterday afternoon I started a game of Qwirkle with Tom and finished it with Zack once Tom's attention faded.  I know!!!!!  I managed to spend "quality time" with my eldest son!

So all is not lost.  But.

Oh goodness how I am getting tired of the buts.  Nothing has changed.  Things are no worse but no better.

My heart is breaking and it hurts.

And I'm fairly sure we've all done everything we can.  Come September, Zack will be back in school and I can pretend that things will be alright again.  Come September, Kesi will start psychotherapy and I can hope to get my little girl back eventually.

So that's us taken care of until the third week of September, which is when Zack should be coming home.  Or should he??

My heart is not so much cracking like a vase, as being wrenched apart, a muscle being torn with all the pain invo

Amazingly, wonderfully, I have had the opportunity to help a friend today rather than beg for help!!  Zack and Kesi are at Challengers, so I have had Tom's best friend Ellie and her brother Josh to allow mum to go to work unhindered by little people!!
Tom's on a power trip, having a younger child here which is a little difficult at times, but basically all going well!

A good evening so far. Zero tolerance on my part, and exhaustion on Zack's maybe? I have told him that I cannot be "friendly, cuddly" mum until he does what "boss" mum says - all the time. I can dream that I've found a solution, can't I? :)

They should be days of rest.  We should, as a family, be going out to pick blackberries on the common or carrots at the pick your own farm.  We should be able to go out for a walk.  We should have moments of silence when each member of the family is busy at a task of their own imagining.

Mummy and Daddy should have time to talk, to sit together discussing the past week's events, the coming week's plans.

In our family, weekends are not days of rest.  The stress is too great.  A simple errand to the local shop turns into a wrangle of western proportions and ends up in two groups going their separate ways.

Today we surrendered.  The television played host to three pairs of focussed eyes, three mouths open with bated breath.  Two films later, Tom and Kesia at least found that they were able to enjoy each other's company with the help of Mummy's home made playdough.

And tomorrow, Nick is looking forward to another week of demanding work and in some strange way gasping for the peace of the office.  I have a week of driving these children around our part of Surrey in a bid to keep them busy and me sane and safe.  I do have Friday to look forward to - a day to myself, when all three children will be at some playscheme or other.

Next weekend, we have considered splitting up and visiting Nanny and Grampy, but we want to be together - the two of us anyway!  So no doubt we will soldier through.

I am looking for a comfortable formula with which to end, but life is not that comfortable or simple, and does not respond well to formulae.

We merely soldier on.

oops...  I said in my home notes that today was the day.  It appears it was yesterday.  Only took us five minutes to be sure after I wished Nick a happy day over sausages!!  :)

tired again, I'm afraid, so a proper update will have to wait.  Let it be said simply that Tom spent a good day at Cherry Trees, and Zack and Kesia spent the morning with me in Epsom, and then the afternoon in Zack's room with plasticine, allowing me some rest.  I'm really grateful...  Fibro is not god, but this afternoon helped.  My fingers are a little better tonight, but too tired to type much!