I never thought I had abandonment issues. I grew up for the most part itching to get out into the big wide world and make my own way in life. And for the most part, I think I have. Accepting help has always been difficult, never mind asking for it! But for the most part, life has been easy enough that independence worked for me.
Last March everything I thought I was imploded. Confident, strong, self sufficient, resourceful. In less than half a day I became a shell of sorts. Ironically, it took more strength and courage than I have ever needed before to allow that implosion to happen, and then to accept this new life, new me.
I still have very little idea of who I am. Sometimes the day to day goings on of being a wife and mother of three are enough to give me a feeling of control, even a sense of accomplishment. Most of the time I give this some thought, I feel as though I am in freefall.
So... last March, a succession of people told me that they were there for me.. for as long as I needed them. They were not going anywhere.
Of course, one had forgotten to mention that she was pregnant, so could in no way make that promise. Another had to change her job - I'm happy for her, and don't resent it in the least. Unfortunately the feeling of being left isn't diminished by that understanding. My dear, dear friend Mark has remained in the background despite infuriating work issues... but his role disappeared.
Today, I found out that our wonderful fairy godmother Liz is leaving. She's absolutely right - on her husband's retirement, she has the chance of six months in Lanzarote! She's absolutely right, but I wish..
I'll miss her so much.
Of course, on the whole topic of religion... this pope whose policies I abhor, who has taken my name and whose birthday is altogether too close to mine for comfort has in part confirmed a long standing disquiet in my heart about religion.
But given my upbringing.... maybe I feel abandoned by God. Never consciously, I have to say. It is only writing this that makes me raise the question. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I have had absolutely no sign of any divine intercession. The whole footsteps in the sand thing. No thank you.
I have carried the weight of my life with Nick, with the help of my parents and Nick's parents, with the help of some amazing people. But at no time have I ever felt that any force was around, either helping or hindering.
So abandonment issues... I don't think so.
Do I feel abandoned and alone... I do.. I'm so sorry, but I do.
I'm battling the rights and wrongs of Tom's schooling - Nick is behind me, but i can't stop second guessing myself. I'm worrying about Zack's weekends home, again doubting my ability to make the right decision. As for Kesi... treading the fine line between emotional blackmail and fear of being sent away that she deals me is simply exhausting.
And I just have no idea.
Last March everything I thought I was imploded. Confident, strong, self sufficient, resourceful. In less than half a day I became a shell of sorts. Ironically, it took more strength and courage than I have ever needed before to allow that implosion to happen, and then to accept this new life, new me.
I still have very little idea of who I am. Sometimes the day to day goings on of being a wife and mother of three are enough to give me a feeling of control, even a sense of accomplishment. Most of the time I give this some thought, I feel as though I am in freefall.
So... last March, a succession of people told me that they were there for me.. for as long as I needed them. They were not going anywhere.
Of course, one had forgotten to mention that she was pregnant, so could in no way make that promise. Another had to change her job - I'm happy for her, and don't resent it in the least. Unfortunately the feeling of being left isn't diminished by that understanding. My dear, dear friend Mark has remained in the background despite infuriating work issues... but his role disappeared.
Today, I found out that our wonderful fairy godmother Liz is leaving. She's absolutely right - on her husband's retirement, she has the chance of six months in Lanzarote! She's absolutely right, but I wish..
I'll miss her so much.
Of course, on the whole topic of religion... this pope whose policies I abhor, who has taken my name and whose birthday is altogether too close to mine for comfort has in part confirmed a long standing disquiet in my heart about religion.
But given my upbringing.... maybe I feel abandoned by God. Never consciously, I have to say. It is only writing this that makes me raise the question. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I have had absolutely no sign of any divine intercession. The whole footsteps in the sand thing. No thank you.
I have carried the weight of my life with Nick, with the help of my parents and Nick's parents, with the help of some amazing people. But at no time have I ever felt that any force was around, either helping or hindering.
So abandonment issues... I don't think so.
Do I feel abandoned and alone... I do.. I'm so sorry, but I do.
I'm battling the rights and wrongs of Tom's schooling - Nick is behind me, but i can't stop second guessing myself. I'm worrying about Zack's weekends home, again doubting my ability to make the right decision. As for Kesi... treading the fine line between emotional blackmail and fear of being sent away that she deals me is simply exhausting.
And I just have no idea.
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