At 11 o'clock, I'm shattered.  Oops, I'e once more forgotten that I need to pace myself.  Strange thing about fibromyalgia (in my case, anyway), is that when I feel alright, I assume I'm perfectly well and that the bad days are figments of my imagination.

So this morning, although I was exhausted from another bad night with Tom I was not in too much pain.  I threw myself out of bed and into a shower, got dressed, made the bed (that's beginning to feel like a habit!) and swished and swiped the bathroom.  Toilet is clean and shiny which does make me feel absurdly good, as is the basin and tops.  The tub will have to wait for a Zone 3 week and I'm not worrying about that.  Baby steps.

Once downstairs and haing fed Nimbus (poor cat spent the night locked in the loft - oops) I swished and swiped the downstairs loo.  I've decided to get that done before breakfast for fear of not getting to it in time. I have to say that I get that feeling about everything, but I am trying to timetable the me things too - like eating and drinking!

And so, my first real morning routine started.  I put my timer on for fifteen minutes and got the kitchen clean - sink shiny.  A further fifteen minutes took care of dinner - turkey provencal in the slow cooker.  Actually, that took about 30 minutes including the washing up afterwards.  Cup of tea time!

My next hour took care of watering the plants, making Tom's feed and rebooting laundry.  And decluttering the playroom.  Which is where I did too much.  I should have done 15 minutes and left it, but I carried on for a second 15 minutes.  At least I can see some progress, but at the expense of my "spoons"...

So...  physically I feel spent, and I'm not sure that I will be able to do much of anything for the rest of the day.  Bit silly, but I now know that I can only do one and a half hours at most before having a proper rest.

Emotionally, I feel satisfied.  Which feeling brings with it a remarkable sense of peace.  I know that the house needs more work, but that it can wait.  The essentials are taken care of - I know what we are eating for lunch and dinner, that everyone has clothes to wear for tomorrow, and that my sink is shiny.

Good feeling!

No good reason.  I'm just tired.  I did manage my morning routine, and my sink is still shiny.  I've even done the laundry load.
But I need a push - I must do my dishes and shine the sink again, and I must do the little bit of ironing and putting away.  Just because that way, it will not grow.
I need motivation :)  But I will do it, not least because my sink followers on facebook will be checking in!

Strange day today.  I've felt in a little whirlwind, lacking control, much less focus.  I took Kesi to her friend's, and I think one strange thing was that Zack was... ok.  Not god, but not as bad as he has been with me.  He gave me a cuddle this morning!

Once back at home, I had agreed to a film which gave me the opportunity to iron.  I haven't ironed for over a year!!  It just hasn't been a priority.  But since I started shining my sink, a number of little things have been falling into place.  Even Nick says that the house feels different.  Maybe it is helping Zack as well. (parenthesis coming up...

I am overwhelmed with self blame when it comes to my little boy.  And if it is so hard for me to make sense of the situation, then I cannot expect anyone else to.  I just hope that you will have patience with me and accept that I am extremely sensitive when it comes to anything like this.  Yes, Zack functions better with tidiness, routine and structure.  Would he have been different if I had been FLYing all these ten years?  My heart shatters and thinks maybe.  My head says no.  He has such problems with emotions, and others.  Inside that ten year old body lurks a two year old little boy having temper tantrums because he can't have everything he wants, and needing cuddles when he's afraid.  Also inside that ten year old body is an adult pattern recogniser, and someone who doesn't understand the difference between a child and an adult.  So would tidiness help?  Yes.  Would it change the outcome as it is today?  No.  Really.  Seriously.  (but???  could I have done better?)

As I say - I am really sensitive.  I'm working on it, but it's very, very hard, so please bear with me.

...parenthesis over)

So - lack of control, children in the house all day.

BUT!!!  I kept to my morning routine, shining my sink after breakfast, swishing and swiping both toilets, brushing my teeth.  Getting dressed happens anyway, although I wasn't quite as good with my shoes due to pain.  I rebooted the washing machine, and tackled Mount Washmore with the iron.  Some putting away is necessary, but the rest is done!!

I'm getting ready to take out my sewing box and deal with some hems and name tapes.

I also managed to take Tom to the hospital and get his stoma checked out - on to the dermatologist now!!  And got Zack to a shoe shop adn bought new school shoes and PE trainers.

So - I may have felt out of control, but I've done an awful lot today!  Best thing is - the day's not quite over, and I can still do a few things once the kids are in bed!

As I wrote in my daily blog, today is hard - no big deal, just headache and period pains.

But I'm really proud to say that I've stripped my bed, swished and swiped in both toilets, shined my sink and made Tom's feed.  I've added the latter to my morning routine which is my first personal step.  It was really empowering to add my own "suggestion" to my control journal.

I've also ordered a rubber brush to deal with my stairs.  I'm only sad to say that I couldn't buy it from Fly Lady as the shipping cost was twice the price of the brush...  never mind.

I now have a control journal!  I printed out the Fly Lady's flight plan for today, and I'm proud to say that I've followed every step!  Kelly's mission is a little trickier because I have so much decluttering to do, but I have a tidy bedroom albeit one that desperately needs a hoover!!

I also tackled the hotspot that is the hall chair.  My sink continues to shine, the table was laid by Tom and Kesia this evening and my dinner was all planned (until I found out that Nick had stopped by his parents' house for dinner on the way home - good son checking on his Mum).

The house feels different, and even seems to smell different.  I don't know how really given the very baby steps I've taken, but as I got up for pain medication last night, it smelled... good, and definitely better.

Thank you Fly Lady.  I'm learning step by step.  Mostly, most importantly, I'm learning that there is no amount of tidying I can do for my kids... they have to do it for themselves.

I'm hoping tomorrow is the day that Kesia decides to shine her desk.  As soon as she starts, I'm there, all helping hands to the deck!

I am taking my babysteps, and learning.  I think that this process gives me hope because I am the one doing it.  I don't care that the house will look a mess for a few weeks.  At least I am learning to "make" my home in a way that suits me. In the past I have either blitzed it myself, or had help to do so, but nothing has ever lasted.

It makes it difficult to consider asking for help.

Onto the good news, then!  My sink is still shiny!  I have brought my ironing board out of hibernation, although I'm going to need a stool of some kind to do the ironing properly.  My toilets are also shiny, and I have adopted a new Fly Lade habit - swish and shine!

More than anything else, I love that my darling Nick is embracing the Fly Lady principles and helping out.  I fully expect most people who know me to laugh at me - another of Benedicte's hairbrained schemes I can almost hear them thinking.  With Nick it is usually much quieter and more accepting, but he is actually participating.  He has even beenheard to voice the words "Fly Lady" out loud!

On related news, we have been reorganizing our finances and embarking on a major savings spree - well, rebudgeting!  It's a little hard to have to do it, but there is something very empowering in regaining control of such things!!

Cooking follows such endeavours, with a hearty wholesome soup being on the menu lastnight, and a big batch of mince having been cooked a week ago and used in about 4 separate meals.

Now if only I can keep this up, I think I can keep the darkness at bay.

Most of the time, for most of the days, I feel as if I am falling off a cliff, and trying to grab onto any foot or handhold.  As I reach something, I discover that the cliff is made up of bales of straw and that all I can grab hold of are those loose pieces of straw.  So while I keep trying to stop my fall, and maybe even climb back up, all I do is keep falling.  Good thing the cliff seems never ending so far.

All this to say that today I made my sink shiny.  I also got dressed to my shoes and have not taken my shoes off yet because my day is not yet over.

But, I also tackled and cleared one of my major hotspots - the paperwork cupboard.  All my papers are now in order, although much of the house is totally chaotic!

Amazingly, proudly, I also announce that m

Most of you are probably thinking that I have finally lost the last vestige of my sanity.
Ho, ho, but you'd be wrong!  Fly Lady is an american system of housecleaning, organising that takes thing one tiny step at a time. 

Again, most of you will be thinking why?  But I am not a homemaker (hate the word housekeeper), and my fibromyalgia is such that I need this to be efficient!

So Day 1's job was to make my sink a shiny sink.  It's taken close to two hours (including one hour soaking in bleach), but every last bit of dirt and staining is gone, and it is now gleaming.

I so want to do Day 2, but am making myself stick to the slow and steady!